Ayo Edebiri Settles Your Petty Disputes

I don't know how to tell you this,

but your father has murdered people before.

[dramatic music]

Hello Vanity Fair, my name is Ayo Edebiri.

You may know me as an actor, writer, producer,

but what you may not know is that I went to law school

for 17 years.

I'm here to judge the drama of people who I do not know.

Welcome to Ayo's Court.

What qualifies me to be an arbiter

of justice is I'm a Libra, need I say more,

probably the scales, balance, legality.

I'm now about to hear two sides

of opposing beef, as it were.

I'm gonna listen to them.

I'm gonna deliberate.

That is a court word

and then I'm going to pass, pass a judgment.

Ultimately, after I pass this judgment,

it will be enacted into law.

Unless you live in Alaska or Hawaii.

Court is now in session.

Let's hear the first case.

[Speaker] Okay, so I took my girl to a Drake show

and they played one of my favorite songs.

So I took my phone out

and recorded it just like everybody else.

But my girl got really mad talking about

wasn't being in the moment.

Pen doesn't work.

[Speaker] Why she say that?

My initial thoughts are that this pen doesn't work.

Let's hear the other side.

[Presenter] Hear me out.

We literally didn't even have good seats.

We were standing so far away

and I know he's never even gonna watch that video.

It's mad corny to hold your phone up like that.

And I didn't even know he liked Drake that much.

He wasn't even holding the phone right.

I've heard enough.

These two are gonna break up.

They just don't seem like really compatible with each other,

even just like vocally, it seems like,

like they're in two different like areas in their lives.

The reality of taking videos at a concert is you literally

are never going to watch it like ever in your life.

But what should we do about that?

Systematically, structurally, if it were up to me,

if I were in Supreme Court,

but I'm not, I'm only in Ayo's Court,

but if I was in the Supreme Court, I would make it legal.

Sorry, I just was like, is that how the law works?

Yes or no?

I would have to like get a bill passed, right?

God dammit.

Anyway, I would make it so that artists have

to release concert DVDs again,

remember watching a concert VHS

or a concert DVD, how fun that was.

It's fun.

And then it's like you, it's like a whole event.

It's not like a awful video from your awful phone.

That by the way, is like built to break.

Sorry to break it to you.

That's how these things work

and the quality gets worse and worse as time goes by

and you're like, what?

I saw Toro Iman in 2008.

Why does it look like two pixels?

'Cause they want it to look that way.

Anyway, honestly,

she shouldn't be mad at him for taking out his phone,

but like she is right about it.

You know what I mean?

I wish them a long and happy relationship.

I abstained from judgment.

Let's hear the next case.

[Plaintiff] So I was staying at a hotel with my family

and when we were leaving our rooms

and walking down the hallway,

my dad stole a fry from a room service tray that was waiting

to go into somebody else's room.

I think this is weird and he shouldn't have done that.

I'm shocked.

I have chills all over my body.

Oh my God.

Okay, next.

[Defendant] No one was gonna miss that french fry.

Oh.

[Defendant] I'm pretty sure they were done with that meal.

That fry looks so good and the ketchup was right there.

So why not a quick swipe?

It's a victimless crime.

My daughter needs to cut me some slack.

To the person who submitted this message.

I don't know how to tell you this, but your father has

murdered people before.

[Plaintiff] Ayo, that's me.

That's me and my dad.

I don't know how to tell you this,

but your father has murdered people before.

There are bodies in the ground.

I don't know what she's so upset about.

It's a victimless crime.

Nobody's gonna miss that fry.

Nobody's gonna miss that kid.

Literally chills stone cold.

For me personally, that's disgusting behavior.

It's nasty.

It's absolutely sick.

First of all, where are your hands

and why are they on my stuff?

So there's that.

Ugh, that's ugh I don't even know where to begin.

It's not about the quantity,

it's about the the like moral reprehension

of like getting into somebody else's belongings just

because this, what's wrong with America?

This is why we don't have free transportation in Italy,

they just hop on the train.

I actually don't really know the breakdown of that,

but I just know generally it's the honor system.

It's the honor system.

We have none of that.

There's no trust between each other.

So there's no public trust.

Don't take somebody else's stuff, man that's nasty.

And how do you know it's just waiting

to go in somebody else's room?

How do you know it wasn't taken out?

And somebody saw the fries and they coughed all over that

and farted all over the fries.

And I went, now I'm done with this.

I put this in the hallway so some freaking idiot on vacation

can come and eat my fart cough fry.

My dad would never do that.

My father is a proud Nigerian man who came

to this country and took his citizenship test

and pays his taxes

because your dad also his taxes, he's from Philly.

Well say everything we need to hear.

Guilty.

I mean I worked in restaurants

and I did have coworkers who would be like, oh,

like let's take a little nibble of this.

They were not me.

They did not look like me or my friends.

That's what I was like, you can't be acting like that man.

You got a family.

Let's move on to the next case.

[Caller] I went to see a movie with a friend recently

and before the movie was even over,

I looked over and he had his phone out.

He was writing a Letterboxd review.

Not only is this wrong

because you shouldn't have your phone out,

but the idea that you have

to post your snarky opinions right away is just annoying.

Yeah, I mean that's low key trash.

Unless it's like a belated opinion again, again,

I'm a legal figure and so I will hear both sides.

[Reviewer] Okay, so in my defense,

I wrote my review basically during the credits.

So it's not even that bad.

And I had a lot of thoughts that I wanted to share

and if I don't get them out really fast,

I'm gonna forget what I had to say about the movie,

I mean isn't that what Letterboxd is for?

I've heard enough.

So basically

during the credits I'm gonna need timestamps on that.

I'm gonna need time codes.

You are writing while the movie's still on.

And also if you are forgetting your review

before the movie's over, you have a problem with your memory

and you need to start doing more Sudoku in the morning

and taking fish oil vitamins.

My current relationship

with Letterboxd having a very public relationship

with Letterboxd is that I'm really kind of chilling

'cause these people are coming after my reviews

and I'm just here to have a good time

and be a little bit of a fool.

Okay?

It's not my fault that I started off as a comedian.

I know you people know me as a dramedy actress,

but please, I started off as a comedian.

I was on Twitter, I was in the gutter, okay?

But I'm trying to be a little less addicted

to the internet in general, so I'm just kind

of chilling on the apps.

Guilty.

Let's move on to the next case.

I'm done with this.

[Friend] Okay, so I have this one friend

and every time we go out to eat in a group,

she always orders a bunch of dishes for the table

and it's usually more food than we would even need.

And it's not something that people are necessarily

wanting to order.

But then when the bill comes,

she insists on splitting it evenly even though she

ordered for the whole group.

Okay, weird submission from one of my enemies.

Okay, let's hear the other side.

I feel like this other person is really well attentioned

and just likes to eat good food.

I don't know.

Okay.

[Foodie] Okay, listen, I am doing a service

to the dining experience by making things fun

and ordering dishes that look good, which is literally part

of what eating out entails.

And I swear I've seen my friend enjoy the food

that comes to the table.

I honestly just think that she's over exaggerating,

'cause I mean the calamari always gonna be worth it.

So I'm sorry that she's broke.

I don't know what you want me to do.

Okay, you got a little,

we we got some class tension going on here.

Tricky, tricky case, okay.

Honestly, this one is about class.

I'll say this one's about money, British vibes,

everything's about class.

I identify with some of the behaviors of the second person.

I love to order for the table,

but the thing about ordering for the table is it like has

to actually be a discussion.

You have to be willing to hear no if you're addicted

to calamari as this woman is basically admitting,

you gotta kind of like, you gotta kind of own up.

And when you go out with friends also

who it's like you know they have more money than you

or they like they drink and you're not drinking for example.

And then they're like, let's all split the bill.

And you're like, well I'm not drinking like $17 craft

cocktails, I'm drinking Coca-Cola,

I'm dropping a lot of brand names.

If anybody want to come and give me a little deal over here,

this isn't again another relationship where I'm like,

this is ending in a few years.

You know what I mean?

This is a friendship

that y'all go out one night, a little too much Casamigos

and a fight gets started that

it will be impossible to come back from.

That's none of my business.

I'm here for this case and this case only.

So my ruling is that friend number one,

like low key start going out with friend number two,

a little less and friend number two, be considerate

and listen when people are ordering,

actually ordering for the table.

Okay, that's enough of this one.

[Girlfriend] So I noticed that my boyfriend

follows this popular model on Instagram,

which is totally fine,

but he started to comment publicly on her posts

and is that okay?

It is almost always a fire emoji.

I don't understand what he thinks will happen.

I have a verdict already.

Your boyfriend is for the streets.

[Boyfriend] Listen.

Yeah, I comment on her Instagram posts.

I support her work.

A fire emoji doesn't really mean anything

and I just do it out of habit at this point, honestly,

I think it's kind of weird

that she's looking at who I follow.

This man is a Yoko and he is for the streets.

I'm not somebody who really comments

and most of the time it's for people that I know.

If it's for somebody that I don't know,

I don't really do that.

I'm not gonna stop anybody from doing that.

You know what I mean?

You keep my posts popping, thank you.

But if you got a girlfriend you can't be commenting like

emojis on a model's post, I'm willing

to bet their fire emojis.

100% emojis.

Maybe even one of those hot face tug out the eyes,

sweat bead orange, top of the head joints.

It's too much.

It's too much.

I could hear in his voice, he knows.

He knows he's wrong.

My verdict is you are a fool

and a Yoko, you sentence the streets where you belong.

Guilty.

I think this is a career high

and I think I'm gonna close out sort

of on a career high Michael Jordan baseball style.

You know what I'm talking about?

All to say,

I feel really proud of my work here today

and I honestly think you should too.

Court is literally heartbreakingly for some adjourned.

[dramatic music]

[mallet smacking]

Once I spin away, I will cease to exist.

[dramatic music]